Bonding Rites
by Olivia Circe
Summary: Guy bonding in a gay bar. MalSimon slash, among other things. Much sillyness.


Author: Olivia Circe  
  
Summary: Guy bonding in a gay bar. Sort of. Mal/Simon slash, among other things. Don't read if you don't like slash. Also, there are clichés.  
  
Spoilers: The whole show. There are some specific references, so be warned.  
  
Rating: Pg-13 ish. There's sex and swearing, but nothing graphic.  
  
Distribution: Please don't take without asking. Linking is fine.  
  
Feedback: Oh god, no. Um, unless you like it...Oh, sure, what the hell.  
  
Disclaimer: All hail Joss. I'm just borrowing his people. Also, this is badfic. Very, very bad fic. For Gabby Silang. Blame her.  
  
Bonding Rites  
  
15 minutes  
  
"Tell me why we're here again?"  
  
"Badger said."  
  
"And since when do we do what Badger says?"  
  
"Since he pays us," Jayne was holding Vera under the table like a security blanket. Simon was reminded suddenly of the stuffed octopus he had taken everywhere with him until the age of seven, when his tutor took it away and told him to 'grow up'. Although Vera was rather more deadly than the stuffed octopus, all things considered. He snickered.  
  
"What's so funny, Doc?" Jayne had caught him looking.  
  
"Nothing." He stopped giggling. Jayne shrugged it off and returned his attention to watching Mal and Shepherd Book order drinks.  
  
Simon, Jayne, and Wash were crammed into a small booth against the eastern wall of the room. The table was well-chosen: from Jayne's side Mal, Book, and the bar were clearly visible; from the other side Simon and Wash could unobtrusively watch the door. The room was dimly lit and smoky, like every other bar on every other planet they'd ever been too. Although the clientele here seemed less grungy and better dressed than usual.  
  
"Explain to me why you couldn't bring Zoe, instead?" Wash said plaintively from the darkest corner of the booth.  
  
Jayne shrugged again. "Badger said no women."  
  
"Yes, but I don't see why. Zoe's much scarier than I am."  
  
"Won't quarrel with that." Jayne grinned.  
  
"Do you think this is going to get violent?" Simon asked, concerned.  
  
"Nah. Mal wouldn't'a brought you and the Shepherd along if this was going to turn to blows, Doc. It's just a meet." Jayne patted the gun, "Besides, I've got Vera."  
  
"Right." Simon was not reassured.  
  
Jayne bristled, "Are you doubting Vera?"  
  
"Jayne," Wash interjected, "nobody is insulting Vera."  
  
"Doc can't even shoot straight. Got no call to say anything about Vera. Don't know why we had to bring him along anyway," muttered Jayne, a little too loudly to be ignored.  
  
"Well you're--"  
  
"Guys!" Wash said, cutting off Simon's protestations. "Cool down, alright?"  
  
Simon and Jayne glared at each other, then mutually turned back to watching the room. Wash shook his head at both of them and began to fold an origami dinosaur out of a paper napkin. There was an uncomfortable silence at the table until Mal and Book returned with drinks.  
  
"Why the long faces, boys?" Mal asked, sitting down beside Simon. "We have drinks."  
  
The Shepherd plopped a tray of pint-sized beer mugs on the table, and slid onto the bench next to Jayne. "Drinks make everything better."  
  
"Why Shepherd," Mal said in mock astonishment, "I never thought you'd succumb to our wild ways."  
  
In response, Book picked up his mug and raised it in a toast: "To smuggling." Laughing, the other four of Serenity's men joined him. For the first time since their arrival at the bar there was a sense of camaraderie at the table. Drinking together, it occurred to Mal, did that. Drinking and fighting: the best methods of building those bonds between men. Go figure.  
  
"Well, at least the beer's good," Jayne said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Even if there isn't a whore to be seen."  
  
Simon coughed on his beer. "How can you just say that?" he exclaimed, before he could stop himself. "You are so callous! Don't you even notice?"  
  
"What did I say?" Jayne looked genuinely confused.  
  
"You just blithely expect--God! How vulgar can you--just simple human politeness--which I suppose you never learned, since you were raised by wild monkeys!" Simon took another gulp of his drink.  
  
Jayne, finally offended, slammed his mug down on the table. "Well, the stick up your jiäo pi gu is the size of a tree!"  
  
"Jayne! Doc!" Mal raised his voice to carry over Jayne's. "This is not the time for a squabble. And I'll not have crew quarreling over manners."  
  
"Captain--" Simon began, but Mal cut him off.  
  
"Stop it. Both of you."  
  
Simon and Jayne glared at each other again and then looked away. Wash had folded a second origami dinosaur, and he set it on the table facing the first before beginning work on a third. Mal turned back to his beer.  
  
"If you haven't noticed," Book put in, breaking the silence, "there aren't any women here at all. And didn't you say, Captain, that Badger said to bring only men? I think this is what they call a... gentlemen's bar."  
  
Simon's eyebrows shot up, and then he looked from Mal to Jayne and made a face halfway between amusement and horror. Wash coughed in surprise.  
  
"Looks like any other bar to me," Mal said, oblivious. "Except for the mysterious lack of our contact. Thought this was supposed to be a meet."  
  
"We ain't gentlemen," Jayne added.  
  
Book looked nonplussed. "Well, I don't think..." he trailed off, unsure what to say next.  
  
"Huh." Jayne finished his drink and stood up. "I'm getting another of these. Anybody else?"  
  
"Now see, Jayne," remarked Mal, handing Jayne his mug, "That's a right fine gentlemanly thing to do."  
  
"Huh," Jayne said again, taking Wash's mug as well. "I ain't payin' for 'em." He clomped off to the bar.  
  
"Captain," Simon sounded strained, "When Shepherd Book said a gentlemen's bar...I think he meant...well...um. Not the kind of gentlemen that...Inara knows."  
  
"What are you tryin' to say, Doc?" Mal wasn't helping. It was surprisingly funny to watch Simon struggle over words.  
  
"Well...a place where men go...looking for other men." It came out all in a rush, and Simon looked quickly away from Mal, only to encounter Wash's entertained and all-too-observant blue eyes. He looked back at the Captain, hoping he wasn't outrageously pink.  
  
The Captain looked a lot less surprised than Simon had expected. In fact, he seemed more amused than anything else. "Now isn't that interesting," he said. Simon's eyes widened. He couldn't be likening Mal's voice to a purr. It just wasn't possible.  
  
Jayne chose that moment to return to the table. He looked from Mal to Simon and said, "What's got into the Doc?"  
  
Simon groaned, and buried his face in his hands.  
  
He could hear Mal's grin. "The Doc doesn't think we're gentlemanly enough for this bar."  
  
"Well shit," Jayne exclaimed, sitting down again. "I was just getting comfortable."  
  
"We're not going anywhere. We're just going to sit here quiet-like and wait for our contact to show. That alright with you, Doc?" Mal sounded positively pleased with himself. Like the proverbial cat. This was not good.  
  
"Fine, Captain." Attempting recovery, Simon sat up and drained his mug in one gulp. He hoped that the alcohol would do well enough to explain the more-than-usual redness of his face.  
  
"'Course," Mal added, "If you're worried, you just stay sitting there between Wash and myself, and we'll try to protect you from any "gentlemen" as might be scouting for such a fine, young, clean, well-dressed--"  
  
Simon stood up. "I'm getting another drink." He shoved out of the booth past Mal and made for the bar. Behind him, he heard Wash call Mal an evil man, with admiration and amusement in his voice. He heard Jayne's confused, but unconcerned, "Huh?" He heard Book say quietly, "You really shouldn't torment the boy so much, Captain." And he heard Mal brush them all off with a laugh.  
  
He really hoped their contact showed up soon, because otherwise it was going to be a very long evening.  
  
1 hour and 45 minutes  
  
Wash's origami dinosaurs covered most of the table. So much of the table, in fact, that Jayne, Mal, and Simon had removed themselves to the bar. Book, electing to stay, watched Wash and his dinosaurs stage a revolution. It had a strong resemblance to the battle for Independence, only this time the Browncoats (or saurotophus and triceratops) were winning. The Alliance, played by tyrannosaurus rex and stegosaurus, was losing badly. It helped that there were fewer of them. Book had fetched Wash a substantial pile of paper napkins earlier on, most of which had metamorphosed into dinosaurs by now. Although every time Wash killed off one of his soldiers, he folded a new one.  
  
Book, showing moderation he must have learned at the Abbey, was still nursing his second drink. He thought it wise that someone in the group stay vaguely sober, especially since their contact hadn't shown yet. Wash was nearly finished with his third beer, and to pass the time, he occupied himself with dinosaurs.  
  
"I've known about your sad little double-crossing attempt all along!" the triceratops Lieutenant said to his saurotophus Ensign, who had tried to betray their battalion to the Alliance. "And I stopped your poorly- disguised and badly-ciphered secret message before it left the planet. That is why I am the hero, and you are a third-rate villain. Ha-HA!"  
  
He hopped the rest of the crew were enjoying themselves as much as he was.  
  
They were, sort of. At least, they were getting drunk.  
  
Jayne wasn't obviously drunk, except for being more verbose than usual. He was telling the friendly man sitting on the bar stool next to him the story of how Mal hired him. With much elaboration, especially as to the despicable nature of the men he had been working with before. Jayne, from his story, had been planning to subvert their operation all along. Mal's offer of more money and a bunk of his own had nothing to do with it. Oh no.  
  
His listener was young, blonde, and muscular. He also kept buying Jayne drinks. Jayne was surprised. It had been a long time since he'd met somebody friendly, most of them just tried to kill him. He warmed up as the man ordered him another drink, and started on the story of his heroics in Canton.  
  
"--the evils of sake." Simon was saying to Mal, on the other side of Jayne. "I don't really remember anything, except the feds later on, and the stature of Hippocrates and not having any clothes."  
  
"Now that's a pretty picture." Mal murmured. Then louder, "If sake's so bad, why're you drinking now?"  
  
"This isn't sake, though," remarked Simon, finishing his beer.  
  
"That's true." Mal laughed. "What'd Kaylee make of that story?"  
  
Simon laughed, too. "She said she couldn't picture me without my clothes. She thought the singing part was funny, though."  
  
"I like the naked part, myself." Mal was smiling.  
  
Simon stared at him for a long moment, and then shook his head in bemusement. "I don't think I'm nearly drunk enough for that to make sense."  
  
"Well, that can be fixed," Mal said, and paid the bartender for two more drinks.  
  
3 hours  
  
"May I join you?"  
  
Wash looked up. The speaker was a dark-haired man in a leather jacket. Wash smiled benignly. "Certainly, if you don't mind the dinosaurs. I'm Wash."  
  
"Reed. I've been admiring the dinosaurs, actually. That takes some serious origami skill." The man sat down across from Wash. Book had vanished a while back to play pool with Jayne and Jayne's new friend.  
  
Wash beamed. "I learned in flight school. It helped pass the time in classes I didn't need to take."  
  
"You're a pilot?" Reed leaned forward. "I expect you're very good...? Because you have fabulous arms."  
  
"Oh. Ah...thanks? Yeah, I fly pretty well. I had better, since I was making origami out of my homework." He grinned.  
  
"Are you working?"  
  
"A Firefly called Serenity. I really couldn't ask for better ship(or crew, for that matter." He smiled reminiscently.  
  
"Oh well." Reed grinned. "I guess I can't hire you, then. Can I convince you to come drink with me, instead? And tell me all about your amazing piloting adventures, of course?" He cocked his head to one side.  
  
It wasn't really a pick up line, Wash thought. At least, he didn't have to think of it as one. It could just be...friendly. If he got drunk enough, Reed would probably start to look kind of like Zoe, anyway. And the dinosaurs, while fun, were getting just a little boring.  
  
"Sure." He stood up and stretched his legs. "Sounds like a plan."  
  
From the corner of his eye, Mal saw Wash walk off with the man in leather. He smirked. Well, he wouldn't tell Zoe if Wash wouldn't. Nonetheless, it might be smart to check up on the rest of his crew before they all fell over. He turned back to Simon.  
  
Simon had stopped talking when he noticed Mal's distraction, and was looking at him quizzically. His silky white shirt had come unbuttoned at the throat, and his eyes were wide and dark and alcohol-clouded. Mal tried not to be distracted. Oh, hell.  
  
"I'll be right back," Mal said, with an effort. "I want to check on the rest of the crew."  
  
Simon nodded understanding, and Mal stood up and steadied himself momentarily on the edge of the bar. "Don't go anywhere," he said firmly to Simon. Simon smiled back languidly, and nodded again.  
  
Struggling to resist any number of urges, Mal went to find Book.  
  
Book had just put away the fourth ball in a row in the game of pool he was playing with Jayne and the blonde man. The Shepherd was, in fact, winning. A lot. Luckily for him, Jayne and his friend didn't seem to mind--they were rather more interested in making dirty jokes about the pool cues. Not that that was anything new for Jayne, Mal thought, amused. Book finally missed, and Mal took the opportunity to pull him aside.  
  
"I thought I should check on my crew before anybody passed out," Mal said. "Did you see who Wash went off with just now?"  
  
Book shook his head. "No, sorry, Captain. But I expect he'll be fine. And Jayne and his--" Book looked over his shoulder to where Jayne and his companion were shaking the cues at each other. "--Ah, friend, seem fine. I rather doubt Jayne will remember much of this tomorrow."  
  
"Right," Mal said. "What about you?"  
  
Book smiled. "I'm fine, too, Captain. I'll keep an eye on Jayne, and send Wash your way if he reappears."  
  
"Thanks." Mal patted Book on the shoulder. "You do that."  
  
"Of course. I think it's my turn again." Book nodded back at the table.  
  
"Where did you learn to play like that, Shepherd?" Mal asked, curious. "Jayne almost always wins."  
  
Book's smile turned secretive. "I learned many things at the Abbey, Captain."  
  
Mal raised both eyebrows, then shrugged. "Sure. I better get back to the Doc. Don't want to leave him alone too long. He's a bit drunk," Mal said, the last in a loud stage whisper. He patted Book on the shoulder a second time, and started back towards the bar.  
  
Book returned to winning the pool game. Half of his mind was on the game, but the other half was planning exactly what he was going to do with the tidy pile of cash he was accumulating from betting against Jayne.  
  
On his way back to the bar, Mal noticed that there was someone new sitting next to Simon. He frowned, and sped up.  
  
The man talking to Simon reminded Mal vaguely of Atherton Wing. He was tallish, and fancily dressed, and Mal immediately hated his guts. Probably more so since the stranger was sitting on his bar stool talking to his Doctor.  
  
"So...you're a Doctor?" The man's tone was unmistakable, he was hitting on Simon. Although not especially elegantly, Mal thought.  
  
And Simon, gorrammit, was smiling coyly back. "Why yes, I am," he said, and then, more slyly, "Did you need some doctoring?"  
  
The man leaned in closer to Simon, too close. "Well now," he said, lowering his voice, "I can't say that I would mind...."  
  
That was too much for Mal. He strode up behind the stranger and cleared his throat. "That's my bar stool you're sitting on," he said loudly.  
  
The man turned around, looking more than a little peeved at the interruption. "Who are you?"  
  
Mal stuck out his hand. "Captain Mal Reynolds. Can't say I'm precisely pleased to meet you."  
  
The man looked disdainfully at Mal's hand, and neither shook nor introduced himself. "Well, Captain," he said, putting an unpleasant stress on Mal's title, "this is a public bar, and I'm afraid I can sit wherever I like. It's none of your business. Go somewhere else." He rested his hand possessively on Simon's thigh, and turned away from Mal, signally a universal 'go away now'.  
  
Unfortunately for him, Mal was not so easily dissuaded. "Sorry to correct you," he said, "but it is my business. That's my ship's medic you're bothering."  
  
Simon glanced away from the stranger, and looked directly at Mal for the first time in the exchange. Amazingly, there was a glint of pure, unadulterated enjoyment in his eyes. Mal was flabbergasted. Was Simon trying to cause a bar fight? This was much too fine an establishment for Mal's usual tricks, though, and he didn't want to end up dueling again.  
  
The stranger was truly glaring at Mal, now. "Captain," the man said furiously, "this isn't your ship. It's a public bar, and your medic can do whatever he likes."  
  
Mal took a step closer to Simon. "I don't appreciate strangers manhandling my crew, wherever the di yu we are. In fact, I tend to take serious offense." He was tired of playing polite. He put his hand on his gun, "Now I would suggest that you leave before I'm forced to take more direct measures."  
  
Unarmed and clearly not a fighter, the other man floundered. He probably didn't think Simon was worth ruining his fancy outfit, anyway, Mal thought unkindly. The stranger stood up, and backed away from Simon and Mal. "Huài dàn! I hope you both die from xìng bìng and never jìn xíng xìng jiao again!" he said, by way of a parting shot, and stalked off to find easier prey.  
  
"He was fairly pathetic," Mal said when he'd finally stopped laughing. "Couldn't you do any better, Doc?"  
  
Simon gave Mal a mock pout. "I'm fairly disappointed in you, too, Captain!" He joked. "I was hoping for a full-fledged bar fight. Haven't seen one of those in ages."  
  
Mal looked at him, eyebrows raised. "Been the subject of a bar fight before, have you?"  
  
Simon's already flushed cheeks turned slightly redder. "Well...yes."  
  
"Now isn't that interesting..." Mal purred. Simon stared. That was the exact same tone the Captain had used when Simon had clarified the nature of the bar. The one he'd been certain he was imagining.  
  
Mal, just a little less intoxicated than Simon, was watching the wheels spin in the Doctor's head. He grinned. Simon had to be twice as attractive when he was confused. Possibly this was going to be a very productive night after all, despite their truant contact.  
  
"When you said you didn't like strangers manhandling your crew," Simon said finally, wondering abstractly if it was the alcohol speaking, "does that mean you don't have anything against manhandling on principle?"  
  
"Nothing at all," Mal said promptly. "I just don't like strangers very much."  
  
Simon smiled. "So..."  
  
"So Simon," Mal murmured, enjoying Simon's start at the sound of his name, "would you like to be manhandled?"  
  
"Was that an offer? Because I'm a little drunk right now and I don't want to misinterpret--"  
  
Mal cut him off. Several minutes later, Simon tried to breathe again. When it worked, he said, a little breathlessly, "Yes." Then he finished his beer and signaled the bartender.  
  
Mal was grinning, Wickedly, Simon thought. He would never have known Mal could look quite that wicked when he wasn't beating the crap out of somebody. It was rather refreshing. If he wasn't careful, he was going to get into some serious trouble. Wait, no, he really didn't care.  
  
He tore his eyes away from Mal to address the bartender. "Do you have b--" he began, before Mal's hands sidetracked him.  
  
"Bathrooms?" Mal supplied ingenuously, "Back alleys? A broom closet?"  
  
"Bedrooms," Simon finally got out, glaring at the Captain.  
  
The bartender nodded calmly, and pointed to a door past the end of the bar. Simon snatched Mal's free hand, and dragged him off.  
  
"Why do they have bedrooms?" Mal asked Simon, hanging on to him partially for the pleasure of it and partially to keep them walking in a straight line. "This is a bar."  
  
Simon grinned, "Well, but it's a fairly high-class bar. It's more of an...inn."  
  
"Highly convenient, that." Mal pulled Simon closer, and entwined together they went up the stairs.  
  
From the pool table Book watched them go, smiling to himself. It was good, he thought, that all of them were enjoying themselves tonight. He looked down at his tidy stack of cash, and nodded contentedly. A very fine evening, all in all.  
  
5 hours  
  
"Just as pretty as I imagined." Mal murmured. He was propped up on one elbow, gazing down at Simon, who lay sprawled, dosing, and entirely naked among scattered sheets and pillows.  
  
Simon opened his eyes and blinked drowsily up at Mal. "You imagined it?"  
  
"What, didn't you?"  
  
Simon's slow smile was incredibly seductive. He wasn't blushing either, anymore, Mal noticed. "Oh, certainly..." he drawled.  
  
"Well?" Mal demanded.  
  
Simon's smile broadened. "Oh, I'd say that my fantasies didn't really do you justice." He reached out a languid arm and drew Mal in for a long, slow kiss.  
  
"I think," Mal remarked eventually, "that I should get you drunk more often."  
  
"What makes you think that this will only happen when I'm drunk?"  
  
Mal raised an eyebrow. "Well, for one thing the rest of the time you're all tense and wound up and entirely focused on fixing your sister. And correct me if I'm wrong now, Simon, but I don't think we'd be lyin' in bed together here if you hadn't gotten drunk enough to relax a little."  
  
Simon sat up abruptly. "Excuse me, Captain "Everyone can tell I'm not getting laid" Reynolds, but you wouldn't have come onto me like that if you'd been sober. You're not exactly the soul of relaxation yourself! I never, ever, thought that you'd loosen up enough to even look at me--"  
  
Mal planted a firm hand on Simon's chest, cutting him off, and shoved him relentlessly back down on the bed. "Never mind, Simon," he said firmly, straddling him.  
  
"You're never going to let me finish a sentence, are you?" Simon asked, laughing.  
  
"As I recall, I've let you finish any number of sentences. But you were babbling, Simon, and while I like it when you babble...I like it even better when you don't."  
  
Simon snaked himself around Mal and rolled them over so he had the control. "I just want to get one thing clear, Mal," he said huskily. "Without alcohol, gentlemens' bars, or male bonding sessions this is going to happen again. I don't want to have to drag you off to get drunk every time we break atmo. For one thing, I'm a wanted man--"  
  
"I want you, for instance," Mal muttered snidly. "Now would be good."  
  
"And for another," Simon went on, undeterred, "while this is giving me plenty to add to my fantasies... I'd prefer the real thing. Are we clear?"  
  
Mal's hands found their way out of the trap between their bodies, and pulled Simon more firmly against him. "Crystal."  
  
6 hours and 45 minutes  
  
Jayne was snoring under the pool table. After losing most of his money to Book he had wandered off with his blonde friend, vaguely in the direction of the bar's back door. Eventually he'd returned and passed out under the table. Where the other man had gone--or what precisely they had been doing-- Book neither knew nor cared.  
  
Wash still hadn't reappeared, nor had Mal and Simon. The bar was quieter now, as most of the patrons had paired off or gone home or passed out. Dawn was only about an hour away.  
  
Book, still sober, sat calmly in the crew's original booth, making patterns with Wash's remaining origami army. Jayne's money was tucked safely away in his pocket, and he was, overall, content. Although he hoped that the rest of them would show up sometime soon, so that they could all go home to Serenity.  
  
As if his wishing had summoned them, Mal and Simon appeared from the doorway by the bar. They were both tousled and bleary-eyed. Simon had lost his vest, and wore Mal's coat instead. His hair was sticking out in all directions. Mal's shirt, while suspendered and tucked in, was buttoned crookedly. Both men were sporting silly smiles, and as they walked they kept as much of their bodies touching as they could.  
  
On their way over to the table, Mal leaned in and said something softly to Simon, who giggled and poked him. Book, watching them, smiled. While it might be strange for a while, this development should at least alleviate some of the tension between the Captain and the Doctor. Although he had to wonder what River was going to make of it all.  
  
Messily, Simon and Mal collapsed into the booth across from Book. "Hello there, preacher," Mal said. "How are things?"  
  
Calmly, Book produced the wad of money from his pocket. "Won all this off of Jayne, Captain."  
  
Mal whistled. "Well done! I didn't know Shepherds gambled."  
  
Book shrugged noncommittally, and tucked the money away.  
  
"Where is Jayne, anyway?" Mal asked.  
  
Book nodded at the pool table. "Sleeping it off."  
  
Simon looked over, identified Jayne's snoring form, and smirked. "Silly of him to get that drunk," he said to Mal. "I'll at least remember everything in the morning."  
  
"I think it is morning." Book remarked.  
  
Simon blinked. "Oh. Well, then I definitely remember everything." The smile he gave Mal was positively syrupy.  
  
Unable to resist, Mal kissed him. Book cleared his throat gently, and the two of them fell apart. Simon gave Book a sheepish grin.  
  
"Well, if it's morning," Mal said, "I suppose we'd best be getting back to Serenity. With or without a new job." He stood up slowly, taking Simon with him. "Can you see to Jayne, Shepherd?"  
  
"Sure thing, Captain," Book said, and went to wake up Jayne.  
  
"Do you see Wash anywhere, Simon?" Mal asked, glancing around the almost empty room.  
  
Simon shook his head. There were a couple of guys sleeping in another corner, and a few more at the bar, still drinking. No pilot, though. "Do you think maybe he went back to Serenity?"  
  
Mal's face lightened. "Of course, he must have."  
  
Book and Jayne reappeared, Jayne leaving heavily on the Shepherd and blinking blearily. "Urgh," he grunted, "Wha'appened?"  
  
Simon rolled his eyes. "And he regresses to a total man-beast post debauchery. Why am I not surprised?"  
  
"Be nice, Simon," Mal said, elbowing him in the ribs, "we can't all be educated snobs."  
  
Unable to think of a better comeback at 5 o'clock in the morning, Simon stuck his tongue out.  
  
Wickedly, Mal suggested, "You might want to be careful what you do with tongue, Simon," and kissed him. So much for public decency.  
  
Jayne looked at the two of them, blinked, and put his hand to his head. "Urgh. Shepherd? Think I'm hallu--halluci--seeing things."  
  
"Sorry Jayne," Book said. "That's real."  
  
"Oh. Ergh. Head hurts." Jayne rubbed his eyes, and then gave up and closed them.  
  
"Ah, Captain?" Book interjected firmly, "I think we should be going back to Serenity, now."  
  
"Oh. Yes. Right. Good idea." Mal let go of Simon, and turned to Book. "Let's go, Shepherd." In pairs--River would have said "two by two" had she been there, but it was a good thing that she wasn't--Jayne leaning heavily on Book, and Mal and Simon together, the four of them left the bar and headed home.  
  
7 hours and 20 minutes  
  
The sun was just rising as Mal let the four of them into Serenity. For a moment he thought they were blessedly alone, that the women were all still sleeping and the men would be able to fall into bed without any discussion or revelation. But then Kaylee and River came running down the stairs to greet them, both far too awake and lively for so early in the morning.  
  
Simon looked guiltily at his sister and dropped Mal's hand like a burning coal. River cocked her head to one side, gazing at him with penetratingly lucid eyes. Then she winked, "I always liked Horatio." Turning to Mal, she glared and poked him in the chest with her forefinger. "But no dying," she ordered, and then went skipping over to say hello to Book.  
  
Mal looked at Simon, who shrugged in almost equal confusion. "I think she approves," he offered, hopefully.  
  
"Do we have a new job, Cap?" Kaylee asked, pointedly.  
  
Mal shook his head. "No, the contact never showed."  
  
"So you stayed out all night and got drunk while you 'waited' for him?" Zoe asked rhetorically, coming down the stairs. Her expression was cool and critical, but there was a touch of humor in her tone. "Well, maybe you'll get a day or two to sleep it off while we try to find a different job. If you're lucky."  
  
Mal shrugged. "Hopefully Badger will show up sometime today. Otherwise, we go and find him. Now, I just really want to go sleep for a couple of hours."  
  
He was expecting Zoe to say something about how he should have thought of that before getting drunk, but instead she frowned, suddenly, and demanded, "Where's my husband?"  
  
"What?" Mal was genuinely surprised. "He didn't come back here?"  
  
"No. He didn't stay at the bar with you?" Zoe was worried, and Mal was quickly becoming so. He hadn't seen Wash again after he'd gone with the man in leather.  
  
"We all--sort of--wandered off in different directions," Mal said. He hoped he didn't sound as false to Zoe as he did to himself. "And when we didn't see him this morning we thought he must have come back here."  
  
"Captain." Zoe was angry now. "Where the hell is Wash?"  
  
"Here!" Wash's carrying voice came from the street outside. He strolled up the ramp, looking far more awake, together and energetic than the rest of the men put together.  
  
"Where were you?" Zoe and Mal asked simultaneously. Wash gave his wife a kiss on the cheek. "Sorry to worry you, dear," he said. "I got talking to some guys and just lost track of the time." He smiled at them all. "I hope I didn't keep anybody waiting."  
  
"No, we just got back." Mal replied, but he was wondering what had really happened. Wash definitely had not been in the bar when they had left it.  
  
"Oh, Captain," Wash asked innocently, "did the contact ever show?"  
  
Mal shook his head. "No such luck. We'll just have to find another job this time."  
  
Wash smiled, blue eyes glinting, "Well, there are several sealed crates down there in the street that beg to differ."  
  
"What?" Mal was flummoxed.  
  
Wash produced a piece of dinosaur-folded paper from the pocket of his jumpsuit. "Info and specs," he said, and handed it to Mal. "The contact's name is Reed, he's paying half advance and half on delivery--" Wash tossed the Captain a bag that clinked and made the half-sleeping Jayne perk up, "and the product to transport is sitting in several unattended crates down there on the street. Maybe we should bring it in?"  
  
"Oh. Yes. Kaylee, Zoe, why don't you go help Wash." Mal was starring at his pilot as if he'd never seen him before. "How did you do that?" he demanded.  
  
"I am a man of many talents, Captain." He grinned, Wash-like, and strolled off down the ramp after Kaylee and Zoe.  
  
"Let's get going as soon as the cargo's loaded," Mal called after the pilot. Wash gave him a wave of acknowledgement, and vanished into the street.  
  
Mal turned back to Simon, Book, and Jayne, and shrugged. "We might as well get some sleep," he said, for lack of anything better.  
  
"Finally!" Book said. "I'll make sure Jayne doesn't hurt himself between here and his bunk, and them I'm for mine." He nodded to Simon and the captain, and went up the stairs.  
  
Simon took Mal's hand, and led the unresisting captain off to bed.  
  
River, watching them go, caroled "Good night, sweet prince!" and then bounded down the ramp to help load the new cargo.  
  
jiäo--pampered huài dàn--bastard pì gu--ass dì yù--hell xìng bìng--sexual transmitted disease jìn xíng xìng jiao--have sex 


End file.
